LOVE YOURSELF LOVE YOUR MARRIAGE

&

LOVE EVERY PART OF YOU

Let’s Explain All This

1. Systemic Approach

We’re all born with genetics for certain strengths and other genetics for certain weaknesses. Does that push us into corners where we get stuck? Like, let’s say someone is a bit shy  – and there actually are genes for shyness, BTW – does that mean they will never get past it?

No!

Why not?

Because we have the power inside of us to compensate for that natural shyness. Here are some celebrities who admit to shyness and introversion: Emma Watson, Alessia Cara, Lorde, Lady Gaga, Glenn Close, and Keanu Reeves to name just a few.

See, we, as human beings are a system: We have a mind, a history, genetics, a body, and outside influences that all work together to help is be who we are.

And, we also react. That means our innate nature combines with our experiences and our environment to “push” us to react to whatever is happening.

Now here’s the good news about that: It’s liberating!

Why?

Because it means nothing about us is fixed in stone. Okay, our eye color, our height and our bone structure are a bit harder to change, but change they can! Even those things can be changed.

So it means we can truly grow. We can grow beyond what cards we were dealt. There are many parts of us that have as yet been untapped.

How about that? There’s potential in every one of us to grow beyond our circumstances.

 

2. Non-Pathologizing Approach

Out of the Systemic Approach flows the natural result, which is that we don’t see anything wrong with anybody.

Anybody.

No such thing as narcissist. No such thing as bipolar. No such thing as borderline.

Why not?

Because people always mistake these words for a cause of behavior. They aren’t.

There is no one cause to people’s behavior. As we said above ^^^ there are lots of things from environment to inborn genetics to history that account for who we are – and who we can become.

So, sure, the titles of these “diagnoses” are good for describing behavior, but I can be screaming and jumping up and down and you might think I was crazy until you realized I just dropped a hammer on my toes.

These “diagnoses” do not take into account the context and the history that got people to that place.

And there is even more of a problem with diagnosing people:

They do not include strengths. A narcissist is capable of being a generous giver, too. Sure it may come out of a wish to be “seen” as good, but it still is good. That same narcissist may truly make sacrifices for others. These terms are inadequate even as descriptors of behavior.

And one of the basic human strengths that we all have is to *grow.* We’re all capable of it.

So my team and I throw out the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). In the garbage it goes!

So what are we left with?

We help every person to (A) Love themselves, and (B) Experience their capacity to be in the expansive, freeing feeling of Self-energy, and (C) Start to feel compassion, rather than resentment for their spouse.

Compassion leads to understanding and getting the big picture. It also provides a kind space for your partner to take the risks of being vulnerable with you. And of course, this works in both directions.

 

3. Non-judgmental Approach

Now when you first hear this one, it is hard to imagine. I’ll admit that.

Because basically, we are abstaining from calling someone evil, bad, cruel.

How can we do that?

Well, if you understand the context in which people act as they do, then their reactions actually make sense. But more important, the behaviors we often see are not the whole of who they are.

Let’s take Dave whose mother yelled and screamed like crazy at him. Dave learned to tune out when he was 5 years old. That’s obvious, right? It’s the most logical, rational thing in the world.

But now Dave marries Maria and when she gets upset, her voice goes up. She’s not actually putting him down or disrespecting him. She’s what one client used to tell me was “being passionate” about something.

But Dave tunes out.

So here’s Maria telling him how hurt her feelings are when he tunes out….and what is he doing?….

Tuning out.

Ouch.

But it’s not that Dave is cruel or mean. He’s just on automatic. He’s protecting himself.

As a team, we understand Dave this way. And we understand Maria’s frustration, too.

So what do we do?

Instead of calling Dave names and putting a victim label on Maria, we help Dave make friends with that vulnerability in him that he wants to pretend isn’t there. And we help Maria love herself so much that she isn’t fazed by Dave’s growing pains.

 

4. Trauma-Informed Approach 

Now we get to the heart of our approach. If the “cause” of difficult, painful behavior is not that a person is inherently sick or bad, then what is it? What do I mean by “environment” or “context” as I’ve been using it here?

The answer is that if there was “trauma” in a person’s history, their behavior will be a response to that experience. That response is “normal” given the trauma.

Little kids are the most vulnerable people on Earth. They really don’t have the capacity to “get over” things like divorce of parents, or the fighting, or being neglected or abused emotionally or physically.

They don’t.

They might look like they did. But that’s just on the outside. Inside, they’re raw and bleeding. And hiding it. Both from you and from themselves.

And generally speaking, two people are attracted to each other because they both have had similar traumatic experiences. That’s where the bond of “things in common” comes in. They feel the connection without even knowing the details.

So what we have is two people with trauma histories learning to love and give to one another when that was never done to or for them. At least not in a healthy way.

Here is a list of things that may be traumatic for a child:

• hearing parents argue a lot
• noticing that parents sleep in two different bedrooms
• not seeing love, harmony, or fun growing up
• needing to get out of the house to avoid being picked on
• needing to get out of the house to avoid seeing what children should not see
• not hearing praise for hard work or innate abilities
• not being enouraged to do your best with words of confidence in you and love for you

There is a longer list in “Two Principles Of A Good Marriage,” which you can find in my Linktree list.

Bessel van der Kolk’s book “The Body Keeps The Score” explains why little “t” trauma is still trauma.

5. Self-Energy Approach

Remember I was talking about people pretending to themselves that they’re fine when they aren’t? And that they hide those weak parts out of total fear of what might happen if they became vulnerable?

Well, the good news is that when we start to separate the visible protectors – defense mechanisms, or coping skills – from those soft, vulnerable parts and we separate all of those from the core Self of a person, we get something amazing.

Something that was never seen before. Something powerful through willingness to be vulnerable. Something courageous and kind and wise.

We call that “something,” Self. Or soul. That’s the term we use which comes from the pioneering work of Dr. Richard C. Schwartz.

In short, we believe that everyone has this shining, clean, clear thing that we call Self. Only we’ve hidden it for years because that was the only way to survive.

But it’s not so badly hidden that we can’t access it. We can and we do. Every day in working with people just like you.

We don’t do this by force. We do it with love, patience, kindness, and our own Self-energy. That’s right: to be able to do this work with others, we have to have been doing it all along with ourselves. And we do.

In marriage counseling, that last step is Communication. But we need to be very careful: Only two people who can access their own Self-energy can communicate what they really want and need in a way that actually gets what they want or need.

When we’re not in Self-energy, it generally backfires and we not only don’t get what we want or need but we dig ourselves into a worse hole than we were in before.

 

6. Appreciating Parts Approach

So when the protective parts are moved aside to expose the lovely, glowing Self, do we throw away all those parts? All those defense mechanisms?

No.

We need them too.

We are not simply a Self. A Self is the energy of being, appreciating the good in life, seeing the big picture.

But Self doesn’t move forward. It doesn’t make judgments. It doesn’t protect itself. That’s up to all those defense mechanisms and all the other parts that get us to work in the morning and know the route to get there without thinking.

The other parts have gained street-smarts and cunning. We do need their protection from time to time. Sometimes, we – with our Self-energy – can gain their trust enough to soften their harsh ways.

But we never throw them out. They’re part of us, and much to be appreciated. The title of Dr. Schwartz’s book says it all: “No Bad Parts.”

And we all believe that.

 

7. World-Class Approach

This team’s members need to have Master’s Degree training and at least a Level I training in Internal Family Systems (IFS) which is the therapeutic approach that understands Self-energy and parts.

But we go beyond the training and the experience.

The people here are good people. And they put you first. At least most of the time. We also have to model self-care so we absolutely do have boundaries. But that doesn’t stand in the way of our commitment to you.

We are reachable 24/7 if you need us.

Yes, even on weekends.

We think about you and how to best help when we aren’t talking to you.

We’re kind. And we want you to feel like you received more than you expected. That’s our team goal.